Rewrite Your Money Story
Courtesy The Minnesota Group
Money makes us comfortable; talking about money, especially our money story, makes most of us rather uncomfortable. Often, it is women and young adults who have a particularly awkward relationship with money. A healthy and honest relationship with our money sets us free. We all don’t need to be millionaires to feel comfortable and say, in all honesty and with conviction, “I have enough, I’m financially secure.”
Money behaviours come from what we have observed around us when we were impressionable youngsters. We didn’t have to live on millionaires’ row to feel rich; ask any middle-class kid who grew up with food on the table and clothes on their back if they actually felt poor. The sense of being financially deprived, at that point in our life, usually was in relation to someone else, not necessarily due to our experiences within the family. Unless of course there was stated anxiety and tension within our home over money, then we absorbed that fear of “not having enough” of pretty much everything, including money.
Comparisons are odious; we will never be comfortable in our financial skin if we keep comparing our self to the next person. What do you need to live a well-balanced, healthy life? Write that story…for you and your dependents. Include in that story what is it that is holding you back from that sense and reality of “enough”.
There are some external stressors that have contributed to our financial insecurities; those need to be addressed right away so they can be jettisoned from your narrative. Because our narrative must be about balance, security, and comfort with our financial behaviour. Let’s take a look at what might cause our narrative to become one of pain and imbalance. Debt is number one on the list: credit card, personal loans, bankruptcy. Another is chronic financial insecurity: job loss, small business failure, closing of business, losing big on the stock market. Acute life events like divorce, death, illness or global events like recession and pandemic can throw our financial life and security off kilter.
When I tell my money story, there are two arcs about which I am constantly cognizant so that I can distinguish between the two: money shame[1] and money guilt[2]. Of the two, money shame is more insidious because it is internal, “I am bad with money…It’s an emotional glue trap because it just makes you stuck”.[3] When we feel ashamed we hide the cause of the shame from people; we don’t want to talk about it, we do nothing to ameliorate the situation because we don’t know how or where to begin and so the getting un-stuck becomes increasingly more difficult. Money guilt is far easier to manage, “I made a mistake with my money”.[4] You work to give yourself grace, forgive yourself for the unwise choices, and move on to be more responsible so one does not make a similar mistake again.
Tammy Lally offers “detoxing” from money shame as an important element towards getting un-stuck from the glue trap. Your goal is to stand tall in your money power. Lally offers these ideas as your detox plan:
own your money story,
uncover your shame to defuse it, don’t let it become toxic,
visit your value structures, then examine them to restructure those that are not working for you,
forgive yourself so you can begin again, and
live from a circle of money blessings.
Once you have Detoxed, now it is time to Act. First and foremost, be present in your financial life. It is time to quit avoidance in your financial behaviour; Learn to practice healthy detachment so you can stand back from your current financial situation, look at it dispassionately and without fear to forge ahead with clarity, consistency, and persistence. Importantly, use assertive communication to set strong financial boundaries with all those with whom you have financial relationships; this could be your spouse, siblings, parents, or your children.
Now that you are on the action path, promote financial resilience within you. First, enhance your financial literacy: go to the local bank and talk to personal bankers (even a first $100 investment will pay some dividend!), listen to podcasts aimed towards your demographic, seek out groups that encourage money talks in a healthy way like a community club or even your grandmothers’ Friday evening chat group! Also, always, I repeat, always have a budget and stick with it. If you’ve blown your salary in 15 days, then it is time to rummage in the pantry for the rest of the 15 days of the month and no, you may not borrow from a friend to go see a BTS concert. Here, deprivation is a good idea because living within your budget is a hard boundary for you (remember this is your money story). An emergency fund of three to six months’ expenses is an absolute must; open a high yield savings account right away when you begin earning and keep putting money into it (and forget it until you need it someday). Always match to the maximum your employer’s contribution to any sort of pension fund. Seek out an expert for more ways to become financially resilient.
“I am enough, I have enough”: that’s the goal of our money story. I wish you good luck, good sense, fortitude, and moderation as you begin and/or continue on your journey of financial security. May your story be rich with the textures of financial learning and a mindset of abundance.
[1] Tammy Lally, Money Coach. www.tammylally.com
[2] Brad Klontz, Financial Psychologist. www.bigthink.com
[3] Klontz
[4] Klontz
